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Dear Friends,

This is our last TADD. I started this art date in May of 2019 when our dear friend Michael was unable to continue "Scribble Picnic". In 2022, "Paint Party Friday" disbanded as well, leaving a lot of artists a little lost for an artistic get-together! It's been a lot of fun, I'm so grateful for meeting some very dear and creative people and many have become friends.

I hope that someone decides to continue some form of TADD because there are so many lovely artists and foodies out there who deserve the spotlight! Please let others know in the comments if you have a weekly art or food blog hop party going on! I know that Cathy from Curious As A Cathy was hosting her version of TADD for some time. And Nicole also hosts Friday Face Off, so please check out their links!

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I'm teaching myself how to play guitar! and I've been working on my piano and singing lessons too!

I'm going silent friends. No more blogging and no more social media. If you know me on Instagram or WhatsApp, please understand I rarely check those apps now. It's not because I don't want to hear from you - I just feel there is so much chaos in my head these days that I just need to be in solitude.

If I have the energy, I may publish a YouTube video now and then because it would be a shame if I lost my monetization status on my YouTube channel after putting so much work into building that following. But honestly, I feel spent, I just kind of want to be alone. 

As Bilbo Baggins said in The Fellowship Of The Ring: 

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

I need to be out of the public eye so that I can make sense of the events leading up to and after Alex's suicide last May.

In hindsight, I can clearly see how I've struggled through the stages of grief in the last 7 months - trying to come to terms with his decision to end his life. I believe that I was in denial a lot of the time. I tried to convince myself that I was okay, that I felt better being alone, that life would fall into place as it should and maybe I've moved on for the better. 

I wrote a very heartfelt obituary post here about him last May. Everything I wrote in that post, I felt genuinely, and that will never change because he had a wonderful side to him - and that's what I wanted the world to see. I wanted his estranged family to know that he had a very good side to him and that he was loved. But things have become so jumbled in my head and in my heart since then...it's hard to deal with. 

As Buddha is quoted to have said:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

This is my screen saver. My friends often call me "Wonder Woman"!

After he died, I had to somehow find his family. I knew nothing of them except that his sister likely lived in New Jersey. I never met his mother but after weeks of research I found her living in Florida. Telling her about her son, who hadn't spoke to her in over 15 years, was so difficult. She spoke about his behavior, his suicide threats and attempts and his mental health challenges. A lot of what she revealed to me was a surprise, but then was it? Not really, maybe I didn't know the facts, but when I heard them, I nodded my head as though this was common knowledge. But we also discussed how sweet he could be, how affectionate and creative he was - I finally felt validated, someone else knew him the way I did - with all of the ups and downs. Though I'm no longer in touch with his family (they are strangers to me), having that discourse was truly very healing because as mentioned, it brought me validation and also a little more understanding.

8-inches of hair GONE...so far!

Though I have days where I fall into depression, some days I have extreme motivation to take a step forward. My dream to be a counsellor and life coach is still a big goal of mine. I'm halfway through my psychology degree, and I'm finding that this program is actually quite healing. Research is "Me-search" as they say. I've enrolled in a grief counselling diploma program and signed up for multiple lectures on suicide, domestic violence and mental health issues. Everything that I'm learning, I can apply to myself for a better understanding of all that I've been through in my life, to try to understand human behavior and to think about how to help others through their life struggles. I want to learn and share. But in order to be able to counsel others, I have to get my "stuff" in order first. I see a big transformation happening in my near future and I'm looking forward to it. 

Before I hibernate, I just want to send a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have supported me and loved me over the years. I started my blog back in 2017 because I was isolated, and very lonely in my relationship. I needed some kind of outlet and I longed for positive and warm interactions with people. I got that, indeed. You probably didn't know it at the time, but each week when you commented and participated in my art date, I felt normal, like...I was a person who had value and worth and that I was cared for. Meeting and interacting with the Blogger community over the years showed me that I could be myself and that I was not a bad person or a phony, as I was told so many times; so again, thank you. This blog kept me going in very dark times. Now the dark times are over, but the memories linger, the trauma remains, and it's time for me to work on my self-esteem, health and goals, it's time to heal myself - well, continue the healing journey.

I love and appreciate all of you. Be kind to yourselves. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Happy Holidays! 

Love as always,

Rain ☔💙